Every year, more than one million American couples get divorced. For those men and women, it is often the most grueling, emotionally exhausting, and expensive experience they will ever have. When dependent children are involved, the emotional and financial costs multiply exponentially. Like Humpty Dumpty, a family, once broken by divorce, cannot be put back together again in precisely the same way.

In divorce situations, parents most often intend to remain in the same locale. But relocation is part of American life, and a divorced parent may receive a promotion or a job offer requiring an interstate move.

Relocation, whether it involves a move by a custodial parent, a non-custodial parent, or a jointly-custodial parent, poses some of the toughest dilemmas in family law. In the United States, family courts reside among the tiers of the state court systems. The complication that results from relocation stems from the fact that there are no universal laws throughout the 50 states to protect the rights of dependent children, or the visitation rights of divorced parents.

In the Best Interest
Regardless of the jurisdictional power of a state to decide whether a relocation that affects a parent’s rights of visitation and intimate participation in the rearing of his or her child can occur, there is a framework for decisions that generally has been accepted throughout the United States. While the application of the framework varies from family court to family court, in general, decisions about the rights of interstate relocations and interstate visitation rights will be based on the “best interest of the child.” Traditionally, New Jersey, Massachusetts, and Minnesota have been the most permissive in deciding relocation cases. Wisconsin, Florida, and New York have been the most restrictive. South Dakota, Illinois, and Michigan have been the most successful in applying a balanced approach in deciding if relocation is in the “best interest of the child,” according to Brian Webb and Miriam Akels in the book Texas Law.

The application of the “best interest of the child” approach will vary drastically from case to case, so a divorced parent is best served by using the services of a family lawyer to renegotiate visitation schedules and parenting plans at least 90 days before the relocation is to occur. In a best-case scenario, the divorced parents will agree on a new visitation schedule to be presented to the court without a contest that results in another trial.

In “Relocation Resolved,” Brandeis and Weidman noted in The New York Law Journal in 1998 that if a new contest develops over relocation issues between the divorced parents, factors that will be considered by the courts in the “best interests of the child” approach include:

• The good faith of the parents in requesting or opposing the move;
• The child’s respective attachments to the custodial, non-custodial, or jointly-custodial parent;
• The possibility of devising a visitation schedule that will enable each parent to maintain a meaningful parent-child relationship;
• The quality of the lifestyle that the child would have if the proposed move were permitted or denied;
• The effect the move may have on any extended family relationships; and
• Any other facts of circumstances that should be brought to bear.

The Internet Factor
A contemporary fact and circumstance that influences the relocation decision is the Internet. The Internet makes frequent communication, whether by e-mail or video, feasible as a practical alternative to the breaching of distance. While a parent cannot hug a computer, instant messaging and real time video transfer does enhance parenting from a distance. In 2001, a New Jersey family court case (McCoy v. McCoy) rewrote a joint custody parenting plan to require that a Web site with streaming video be established. As a result, on the days the child normally would spend with the opposite parent, communication between the child and the distant parent could occur in real time over the Internet. The same number of days for actual visitation was retained, but the days were concentrated around school vacations.

Pre-decision Coaching
Joanne Waldman, M.Ed., LPC, NCC, president of New Perspective Coaching, Inc., St. Louis, MO, has more than 14 years experience working with relocating families. Waldman has found that “a relocation decision beneficial to the corporation, the employee, and the child is best made when the employee participates in pre-decision coaching.”

In just a few conversations the employee would be led through an identification of values that influence the relocation decision and the development of a practical plan of action that includes researching appropriate support structures for himself or herself and the child. What kinds of issues are involved? How can these issues be resolved?

“It is through the coaching process,” said Waldman, “that an employee and other family members affected by the decision will determine whether (s)he can go or should stay.” Pre-decision coaching is a proven effective way to ensure a successful relocation.

Distant Parenting Tips
Jean Snyder, a veteran career/family relocation consultant with The IMPACT Group, St. Louis, MO, has worked with numerous divorced parents through their relocation. Over the years, Snyder has developed the following tips to help parents work through the challenges of distant parenting.

• Talk to the custodial parent first. The move may change your custody agreement and working the details out together as soon as possible will ease the transition.
• Decide together when you should tell the child(ren), but earlier is generally better. Children can sense when something is going on and telling them about the move can ease any concerns they might have.
• It is important that you talk with your children about your new community, your new house or apartment, and some of the things you might do during a visit.
• Though visits should be special, do not think that your have to entertain your children all the time or become a “Disneyland” mom or dad. Some of the best times are when you do everyday things.
• If your children will be with you for breaks and/or longer periods in the summer, be sure to plan early for camps or day care. February and March are not too soon to begin scheduling things for summer.
• Make staying in touch fun. Create a Web site, learn instant messaging, and/or make sure that you have a cell phone with free long distance. If possible, make sure that your child has access to a digital camera. With a digital camera, the child(ren) can send you pictures of important occasions almost immediately. Giving older children a digital camera of their own may ease communication at an age when communication is notoriously difficult.
• Contact your child(ren)’s school and make sure that the school sends you an important communication. Newsletters, report cards, and special honors are just some of the things that can help you keep in touch with your child(ren). Many schools have Web sites. You might even be able to look up homework assignments so you know what your child(ren) is currently studying.
• Be creative about ways to spend more time together. Meet part way at a special place for a weekend. Buy a plane ticket for a child for their birthday weekend. If you have more than one child, the time alone with you will be the best gift ever.
• Address the travel expenses for visitation and where the expenses will fit into your modified separation agreement.

Should I Stay or Can I Go?
Family law trends and literature on the issue of relocation indicate that relocation and distance parenting is increasingly possible. The engagement of a family lawyer to renegotiate the custody agreement is an essential element to successfully relocating and maintaining the parenting bond. Although a Humpty Dumpty family cannot be put back together again the same way, it can be reconstructed with the “best interest of the child” being the glue that holds all the pieces in place.

Peggy Greenwood is manager, training and development at The IMPACT Group, St. Louis, MO. She can be reached at 314-453-9002 or email.

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